Pastor Pat Edwards 4/30/2006
Grace Baptist Church in Bountiful, Utah

Due to lots of special events during the next few months I’ve decided to preach a brief series called New Insights on Old Beliefs. It will primarily focus on changes and growth in my understanding of the Bible and daily life with the Lord. Today’s sermon deals with bias, in this case my own bias about how we speak the truth in love. There is a certain segment in every society that falls into the category often called "people pleasers." Now there is nothing wrong with pleasing people but when we call someone a "people pleaser" it usually has a negative implication to it. We infer they go to an extreme in trying to make others happy; they carry it too far.

I discovered that quality in myself a number of years ago and often tried to justify it even while knowing I needed to make changes. People pleasing can manifest itself in a variety of ways and mine took the form of trying to never give offense, to always smooth things over if there was any conflict or tension. Recently I wrote an article for my reunion webpage and I worked hard to make it both humorous and serious. But ever since I hit the send key I’ve had a nagging worry that maybe something I wrote will offend or hurt someone. Now I’m old enough and God is gracious enough that such feelings no longer control me. I know they are part of my emotional makeup and probably won’t change but again, by the grace of God, I can control them so I don’t live my life worried about every word I’ve spoken or every conversation I’ve had.

In fact I’ve learned if I’m going be a good friend, husband, dad or pastor I need to not let my people pleasing get the upper hand because it will keep me from speaking the truth in love to those who need to hear it. Hopefully this background that some of you may share will help you to understand how I use to read Paul’s letter to Philemon. One person, if his writing is any indication, that does not qualify as a people pleaser is the Apostle Paul. That doesn’t mean he isn’t polite, thoughtful or sincere in his writing but I have to tell you until recently I questioned the sincerity in this letter.

Paul starts by telling Philemon he’s in prison. The letter is primarily to Philemon but also to Apphia and Archippus who are probably his wife and son. He shares he prays regularly for them and gives thanks for their faith and their love for all believers. He prays they will be active in sharing their faith, in part because it will help them to have a full understanding of every good thing they have in Christ. Their love has given Him great joy and encouragement because it has refreshed the hearts of the saints. Note how these words echo the command of Jesus to love others as he loves us.

Now we get to the heart of the letter, the reason Paul wrote. It seems that one of Philemon’s slaves, a man named Onesimus, ran away and in the process probably stole some of Philemon’s property to make good his escape. Onesimus made his way to Rome and whether by coincidence or deliberately came into contact with Paul who was in prison waiting his trial before Caesar. His contact with Paul exposed him to the gospel and he became a follower of Jesus. But technically he is still the property of Philemon, a friend and spiritual brother of Paul. So Paul tells Onesimus to return to Philemon but he sends this letter with him to present to Philemon. You’ve heard it read once this morning but I’m going to read it to you twice more, first with no intonation then the way I’ve heard it in my mind over the years, the "people-pleasing" mind that’s a bit biased, that caused me to wonder if this letter wasn’t filled with manipulation, sarcasm and irony in order to get his way.

8Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, 9yet I appeal to you on the basis of love. I then, as Paul-an old man and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus- 10I appeal to you for my son Onesimus, who became my son while I was in chains. 11Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to you and to me. 12I am sending him-who is my very heart-back to you. 13I would have liked to keep him with me so that he could take your place in helping me while I am in chains for the gospel. 14But I did not want to do anything without your consent, so that any favor you do will be spontaneous and not forced. 15Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good- 16no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord. 17So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me. 18If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. 19I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back-not to mention that you owe me your very self. 20I do wish, brother, that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ. 21Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I ask.

Now the way I’ve interpreted it in the past, 8Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, 9yet I appeal to you on the basis of love. I then, as Paul-an old man and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus- 10I appeal to you for my son Onesimus, who became my son while I was in chains. 11Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to you and to me. 12I am sending him-who is my very heart-back to you. 13I would have liked to keep him with me so that he could take your place in helping me while I am in chains for the gospel. 14But I did not want to do anything without your consent, so that any favor you do will be spontaneous and not forced. 15Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good- 16no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord. 17So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me. 18If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. 19I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back-not to mention that you owe me your very self. 20I do wish, brother, that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ. 21Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I ask.

Like a lot of people I find it difficult at times to speak frankly, to ask for what I want or to tell others when they are in the wrong. I’m not talking about matters of opinion but black and white issues where they should be confronted. For most of us it takes time and practice to learn how to speak the truth in love, to say things like, "Yes, you did hurt my feelings" rather than, "Nah, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I never gave your comments a thought." The Bible teaches that to become the mature body of Christ we need to speak the truth in love. We need to be honest and caring with each other so that we mature individually and in our relationships. In Ephesians 4.11-16, we read, It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

To move beyond spiritual and emotional infancy we need each other’s constant, caring, truthful input. We need to see life - not just from our biased perspective and limited experience - but through the emotions and experiences of others as well. And that’s why I’m grateful the Lord opened my eyes to my bias about communication in this short letter to Philemon. So let me go back and reflect and what Paul wrote and how he wrote it.

First the Lord corrected me with the very words that I use with others. I tell people when they are describing a conflict, "Don’t give me your interpretation of what the other person said, no volume, no intonation; no acting, just give me the content." I give that order because when I meet with both parties the other one often says, "I didn’t say it that way!" or "I didn’t raise my voice like that." God gave me that command the last time I read Philemon. "Stop interpreting the way Paul wrote it. Don’t try to get into his head. Just read what he wrote and ask yourself if it’s true. Ask yourself if his goal is good?" When I did that everything changed. Let me show you.

Verse 8: Paul does have the spiritual authority to order Philemon to behave in a Christ-like way but he really wants it to be Philemon’s choice. William Barclay wrote, "A gift to be a gift must be given freely and with good will; a gift which is coerced out of a man is no gift at all." There’s nothing wrong with reminding Philemon of the right thing to do and hoping he will choose to do it. Not one of us believe Jesus would own slaves but because of the culture this is an issue that needs to be dealt with but personally. If slavery had become a "church" issue it would have become the issue and the good news would have taken a back seat. We see that today. When unbelievers find out we’re evangelical Christians they don’t want to talk about Jesus and the gospel, they want to know what we think about abortion and homosexuality and George Bush. Jesus doesn’t run from the truth but he never said, "All men will know you are my disciples by the correctness of your doctrine and practice." Jesus and therefore Paul, know that faith and love lead to life change. Robert Wall wrote "Spiritual conversion changes all relationships, making all equal in Christ." When that happens Christians reject such practices as slavery and lead the way by example and not by coercion.

I also realized I misinterpreted Paul’s emotional appeals as manipulation. Emotion doesn’t automatically mean manipulation. And what I interpreted as manipulation was often just fact. Verses 9, 10 and 12 refer to his age, his imprisonment and his chains which were real. I realized there is nothing wrong with using his service and sacrifice to encourage others to walk that path when necessary. I’ve done the same thing - using what the Lord has done in my life to encourage others to be obedient. Certainly Paul is not being overly dramatic when he calls Onesimus his son and one who is his very heart. I know I feel that way about all of you. You’re my flock, my children, even if some of you have seniority on me. And I hate to lose a single one of you for any reason. So how could I begrudge Paul sending Onesimus back to the possibility of a life of servitude? A side note, there’s a play on words here. In the Greek language Onesimus means profitable or useful so verse 11 makes the point that this man that was supposed to be profitable but wasn’t has now become profitable but in an totally unexpected way.

I was also bothered by the fact that Paul reminds Philemon in verses 19-20 that he is indebted to him. And again that shows my bias. I don’t like to make waves, create tension, make people uncomfortable, even if they are failing in their duty, whether it’s to pay a bill or fulfill an obligation. It’s hard for me to come to you if you’ve made a commitment to do something in the body and aren’t fulfilling it. I would almost rather let the ministry stumble than confront you. Notice I said almost. As I’ve matured the Lord has taught me it’s not kind to the individual or the congregation to ignore when someone is failing who could be fulfilling.

And finally there is nothing wrong with expecting to benefit, to be refreshed by our brothers and sisters in the Lord. In fact - that’s the reason Christ created the church, his body on earth, so that we can strengthen and encourage and nourish each other and it’s wrong when I don’t expect to get as well as give. It’s not humility that keeps me from receiving, it’s pride, it’s independence that says "I don’t need anyone else to make it." Note that in his closing comments Paul asks Philemon to prepare a guest room for him as he hopes to visit. There’s no beating around the bush; Paul is expressing the kind of brotherly relationship that some of us hear when the phone rings and a brother or sister says, "Hey bro, I got the weekend off so I’m coming to visit. Put a steak on the grill and get my favorite chair ready." There’s a bond of love that allows for such expectations.

And Paul expects the best from those who walk in faith. That is the kind of relationship Jesus intends for us to have but it won’t happen if we tiptoe around the truth. It won’t happen if our biases in their various forms keep us from speaking the truth in love as Paul did with Philemon. It won’t happen if I don’t really believe the Holy Spirit of God is at work in your life to bring forth the best response when truth is lovingly revealed.